How not to give a talk

It was written over thirty years ago, but this will still be terribly familiar to anyone who's been to a conference with a science angle to it...  Quoted from Nature 272, 743 (1978).
"I thought that in the eight minutes I've got I'd bring you up to date on what our group has been doing in the last year; in a sense this is a progress report and updates on the paper we gave here last year; I won't go over the nomenclature again; could I have the first slide please - oh, I think you must have someone else's box - mine is the grey one with my name on the top, no, wait a minute, not my name, whose name was it now? Ah yes, you've found it; there's a red spot on the top right hand of each slide - that is the side that becomes the bottom left when you project it. OK, you've got it now, let's have a look, no, that's the last slide not the first, yes, now you've got the right one but it's on its side, what about the red dot? There are two? Well anyway turn it through ninety degrees, no, the other way, yes now we're there, perhaps we could have the lights off. Well I'm sorry there are probably too many words on this slide, and the printing is a bit thin; can you read it at the back? You can't; well I'd better read it out; no I won't, it's in the paper which should be published in a month or so, and anyone who wants I'll give a preprint to afterwards. Anyway, for those who can read it, this slide is a block diagram of the publication process we used and before I go any further I should mention that there are a couple of misprints: on the third row, fourth box from the left, well, of course that's the second box from the right, if you can read it, it says alkaline, now that should be acidic; also you can perhaps see the word 'mebmrane', that should of course be 'membrane'; now if I can have a look at the next slide - now which one's this? Ah, yes it's the scatter diagram. I haven't marked the quantities but we are plotting concentration against particle size, if I remember rightly that has been normalised; perhaps I could have the lights for a moment to check in the text, yes, here we are, well it doesn't actually say - we could work it out but it's probably not worth the time, so if I could have the lights off, let's look at the plot; well I think you can see a sort of linear relationship - there's a fair bit of scatter, of course, but I think the data are at least suggestive; perhaps if I held up a pointer you could see the relationship more clearly - I expect there's a pointer around here somewhere, no I won't need the lights. Yes, here it is. Now I can see the trend and there's just a hint of another trend running sub-parallel to it through this other cluster of points, you may see that more clearly if I slide the pointer across to the other - no, I wasn't saying next slide, just that I would slide the pointer; anyway now the next slide is up let's keep it on the screen. Now this is the sort of evidence on which the data in the last slide were based; this is a thin section - it could take just a bit of focussing - yes that's better. It's difficult to get the whole slide in focus at once, now the scale is, well that bar is one micron long. Hang on, what am I saying? It's ten microns long - oh dear, the chairman is giving me the two-minute warning. It's difficult to give you a clear picture of this work in only eight minutes, but let's plough on, what was I saying? Ah yes, the bar is ten microns long, now if we turn to the next slide, please, this is the result of a chemical analysis on the dark region that is near the centre of that thin section, is it possible to go back a slide? Well not to worry, you can see in the analysis of how dominant - sorry what was that? Oh deviation, no it can't be, it must be the standard error of the mean - oh dear the chairman says my time is up. Can I beg half a minute - are there any more slides? Really? Well let's skip the next two, now this is pretty important. It brings together several of the threads that you've probably been able to discern running through this talk, but rather than go through it in detail perhaps I should have the lights up and just put up one or two key numbers on the blackboard - the chairman says there's no chalk, well it's all in the paper I was mentioning. Anyway perhaps I've been able to give you the gist of what we've been doing. I guess that's all I've got time for. "

See also...

Metal Foams & how to make them

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This is a quick guide to making metal foams - mostly aluminium foams.  It's drawn from one of the introduction chapters of my 2004 PhD thesis (the full version, with sources and experimental processes, is free to download  here ). There are lots of different ways of making foams, with different levels of complexity. Aluminium is the most commonly made foam, because it's light and easy to work with - though some of these processes can work with other metals.    This summary looks at a huge range of 'metal foams'.  When thinking about ways to make a foam there's a lot to consider:
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Chemical Safety Symbols

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A guide to meanings of common chemical safety/hazard symbols (a.k.a. warning labels, Danger symbols, Chemical safety labels...).  These are the European/international standard; I originally put them online as they didn't seem to be anywhere else; they seem to still be popular judging by the number of people who read this so I've carried them over to blogger as a bit of a public service...  Click on the images to enlarge , for printable label size and suitable for downloading. Feel free to  use these pictures.  Poisonous The poison symbol is self-explanatory. Whereas most chemicals are fairly dangerous if ingested or inhaled, many of these are dangerous even on contact. Environmental hazard Relatively rare with laboratory chemicals (most of which pose some environmental hazard if not got rid of correctly), these require  particular  care to be taken on disposal. Corrosive Will destroy or irreversibly damage another substanc...
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Punting guide to the River Cam

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A very old guide to punting from Cambridge to Grantchester - picking out some of the highlights.  Not especially useful but it seemed a shame to lose it.   The Punt Pool All punt trips using St John's college punts start (and hopefully end) here. Note the swan nest on the island in the spring (sometimes populated with rare black swans, imported from New Zealand and only usually seen in St James' park in London). The Bin Brook A little-known tributary of the River Cam; it is shallow and muddy.  It has been known for Johnians and lost tourists to punt down here. That said, it isn't exactly one of the highlights of Cambridge.   Downstream You can't go much further than Jesus Green without permission to use the lock, as the river below is infested with boaties and houseboats.  It is puntable (albeit quite deep) and a bit of an adventure.  The Wren Bridge There's an engraving of third court, with the bridge in it, on one of the piers facing the brid...
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Caius House, Battersea - rebirth of a youth club

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Back when I lived in North Battersea, I grew a bit curious about an old (and rather run down) church, lost in a tangle of industrial units and light warehousing in the unfashionable bit of Battersea. As a bit of out-of-place Victoriana it was a bit of an architectural curiosity, that seemed to have survived long after all its neighbours were bombed, demolished or redeveloped between the 1940s and 1980s. Caius House (variously known as Caius House, Caius Mission, Caius House Church and Caius College Mission Church) was on Holman Road in Battersea.
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